Tales of the Cocktail - Day 3 (Tuesday): The party wraps up.

Wow. Hard to believe it’s all over already. Tales of the Cocktail Vancouver was a helluva three days. Dunno know how they can go five days in New Orleans. Probably ‘cause it’s New Orleans.

We’re tired and liquored out (yeah, even us) but absolutely elated we were able to be a part of it all, and the great news is that it was a resounding success, totally sold out, and next year’s is already being planned. And come hell or high water, we’ll be there. If you couldn’t make it this year, or weren’t sure what it’s all about, hopefully we managed in our ham-fisted way to give you some sort of vague idea of what goes on. And on that note, here’s how the last day went:

12:10pm - Heading to Chambar for TOTC farewell pig roast lunch.

12:15pm - Oh man, can smell tasty, tasty pork roasting from two blocks away. Mouth watering. Formerly undemanding stomach suddenly wakes up.

12:17pm - Nice! Chambar has two full-size pigs roasting on spits over open BBQ’s right out on Beatty St. Is this what heaven smells like? (sorry vegans/vegetarians)

12:20pm - Join growing crowd inside Chambar, where (surprise, surprise), the drinks are already flowing. Hear two of our favourite words EVER when inquiring about Pura Vida punch in giant-ass bowls: “Help yourself”. Punch is great (Fireball, Strega, dark rum w/pineapple & ginger citrus). Most peeps are surprisingly chipper given epic late night madness on Monday night’s bar crawl.

12:30pm - Punch #2. F*ck, that was fast.

12:35pm - Place is packed, but bit quieter & not quite as frenetic as previous two days so easier to talk to people today. Great chatting with Paul and Anne, TOTC’s founders. They’re stoked it was such a success. Van City brought the enthusiasm. Local bartender extraordinaire Jay Jones (instrumental in getting it here/organizing it) also jazzed it went gangbusters.

1:00pm - Lunch is served. Kudos to staff at Chambar for handling God-knows-how-many-people and making sure all are fed. Also thanks to piggly-wiggly - you were delicious, oh little porcine friend.

1:20pm: - Time to dive into second feature cocktail - bourbon-based Kentucky Savoire Faire. And we were going to take it easy today…

2:30pm - Exit Chambar, start meandering back to Fairmont Pacific Rim for Beefeater Gin tasting with uber-knowledgeable, super-freindly and totally unpretentious Master Distiller Desmond Payne.

3:00pm - Hey…there’s that cocktail buzz again, right on time.

3:30pm - Hit Fairmont lobby bar with rest of “the truly committed” for gin cocktails courtesy Beefeater’s Dan Warner before tasting session. First up - Almond Ice tea. This is a drink that says “I’d start setting up the next one, if I were you.”, but I draw on every fibre of self-restraint and stick with one. What an idiot.

4:00pm - Desmond starts gin tasting session. No idea different gins could have such complexities in odor, taste, finish etc from the different ways it’s diffused & distilled and the myriad of botanicals used to flavour it. Fascinating stuff. Also, tasty stuff. Have new found respect for the drink. Also discovered new way to drink it - with just water. Serious. Why ruin it with tonic?

5:00pm - One word: done.

So yeah, that’s it. Day 3 rating? 8 drinks out of 10.

Looking forward to next year, and stay tuned, we’ll be posting a “highlights of TOTC” here soon. Thanks to TOTC for a cracking good time. And after the past three days’ boozetravaganza - apologies to my liver. Now it’s time to rehydrate…

Tales of the Cocktail - Day 2 (Monday)

So it’s Day 2 of TOTC. It’s a Monday, and we’re in for a long day of drink-related shenanigans. No wait… “enlightenment”. It’s an unfamiliar feeling this getting up to go drink. But there’s something so right about it. Here’s how the day progressed:

8:40am - Drag ass out of bed, pry eyes open with butter knife. Nothin’ new there.

10:30am - Roll into first seminar of the day “The Science of Cocktails - New Techniques Behind the Bar”. Holy shit - packed. Demo table with all kinds of stainless steel shit: burner, flasks, strainers, etc set up. Sitting in front row like uber-nerd/pyro kid who needs closely watched. Having serious flashbacks to first period high school science class.

10:40am - Presenters Dave Arnold and Don Lee from TOTC take stage.

10:45am- First cocktail of day: mint-infused Daiquiri w/Brugal rum. Oh yeah, that’s the stuff…

10:50am - More flashbacks, there’s like…graphs and shit on screen. Thankfully presenters are hilarious - like Adam and Jamie from Mythbusters doing a show all about cocktails. Dave all hyper and enthusiastic, Don slightly more grounded and dry-witted.

11:00am - Good Lord, info coming fast and furious. Brain unprepared for onslaught of knowledge. Presentation kind of all over the map - and our pea-brains. Clarification of juices, physics of effects of ice size/shaking vs stirring technique on dilution and chilling, high-tech distillation using rotary evaporators, rapid infusing techniques via whip cream dispenser, back to clarification. Still, fun to watch/listen to even though brain broken.

11:20am - Eyes glazing over. Could be due to cocktail #2: vodka infused w/ coffee. Or just from smelling vodka infused with habanero or horseradish.

11:45am - Unable to explain anything, including own existence. Please visit Dave’s blog at www.cookingissues.com for actual useful tips. Too much info, not enough booze.

12:10pm - Lunch & brain break. Hey, Bols ginger twist cocktail! C’mon brain, suck it up, you pansy.

1:30pm - Grab a coffee. Yeah, that’s right - at a cocktail festival. Shut up.

1:40pm - Start afternoon seminar “The Birth, Death and Rebirth of Canadian Whisky”. Cripes. From morning science class to afternoon history lesson. Rye cocktail received at door will help. If high school was like this, I might’ve paid more attention. Or perhaps even less.

1:55pm - Panelists are using the word “exciting” too much when referring to Canadian whisky. “Sensible” and “restrained” would be better words wethinks, it’s Canada for God’s sake, not Rio.

2:00pm - Getting into the nitty gritty of Canadian whisky history. WTF? Canadian “rye” whisky is actually mostly made from corn, wheat and barley? We have been GROSSLY mislead. Better check that “maple” syrup at home…

2:05pm - Barrels can be used over and over making “rye”. God bless our thrifty country. Used to be called “brown vodka”. LOL - love it.

2:15pm - Crowd is itching to start sampling. Lots of fidgeting. Maybe those lunchtime chicken wraps aren’t sitting too well.

2:18pm - Hear chainsaw (!?!) in ice seminar next door. Awaiting screams of “Oh God no, not again!” followed by sirens…

2:35pm - Hellz yeah! Sampling time! 11 to try - it’s a rough life. First up: Royal Canadian. Guy tastes notes of pickling juice? WTF? Isn’t that the point? SHAZAM! Next up: CC, Wiser’s, Forty Creek, White Owl, Caribou Crossing, Alberta Premium, Alberta Springs, Centennial, Gibson’s, Century Reserve. Crowd is quite passionate and getting good dialogue going with presenters, except for buddy in crowd who reps a brand and must have his say. But descriptions now blurring together, much like rest of afternoon probably will.

2:45pm - Best quote of the day: “Maybe it’s the whiskey talkin’, but…”

2:51pm - Tasting descriptions getting too technical for our retarded palate. Would be happy with “This one makes me feel warm and laffy inside”.

3:00pm - Yup, like Sunday, got a respectable buzz happening. Top marks for consistency, Boozecan.

3:10pm - Canadian whisky seminar done. Spill out into foyer. There’s some sort of Caesar tasting/ranking competition going on and HOLY SHIT THEY’VE GOT PROPER GERMAN PRETZELS OUT HERE! TOTC, I love you…

4:01pm - Mmm…pretzels. Oh, next seminar is starting: “For the Love of Gin”. Beefeater/Plymouth Gin master distiller Desmond Payne gets into 500 year history of gin itself. Guy’s a great presenter - informative, funny. Seriously, who doesn’t love a drink that was once safer than water? We love you gin, you saved us…

4:37 - Desmond’s voice is getting a bit hoarse. Know what he needs? Yeah - gin. Also, us need too.

4:51pm - Laptop making knees sweat. Must shut down. Also need gin, still.

5:00pm - Oh, thank God. First gin cocktail tasting. Beefeater Gin Collins. Aw yeah…that’s the ticket. “Vancouver Cocktail” next, invented at grand old dame of hotels, The Sylvia. Quickly followed by “English Breakfast” cocktail.

5:20pm - Head home for break. This “work” is exhausting.

7:50pm - Roll into TOTC closing reception (there’s still one more day though, right?) at swanky, old boys’ Vancouver Club. Sponsored by a crap-load of booze companies: Wild Turkey, Skyy Vodka, Sailor Jerry’s, Appleton Estate, Glenfiddich, Tullamore Dew (not going to link - just Google that shit, writing this at 12:16am for God’s sake). Cocktails of note: Bourbon milk punch. Yeah sounds weird but so good - like a boozey vanilla milkshake. Also, Sailor Jerry’s rum punch.

8:45pm - So tired. So very, very tired.

9:30pm - Lights on, everyone out. There’s more going on but energy depleting. De…plet…ing. Hit L’Abbatoir with Kemp (Wayne 2.0) and friend for more drinks. Need something straight up. Cocktails all good, but need a break from sweet. Ah…bourbon on the rocks. Hello old friend….

10:45pm - Done. Yeah it’s “early”, but got to quit while ahead. Fantastic day. Rating? 9 drinks out of 10. Huge shout outs to TOTC et al for bringing it to Van. Let’s hope this becomes a regular thing. We need more events like this.

Tales of the Cocktail - Day 1 (Sunday)

So what we thought might be a kind of quiet, possibly even lame first day of TOTC given there was only one “official” event set up, turned out to be…well, not lame. Here’s how it went:

2:15pm - Saunter into Fairmont Pacific Rim for TOTC registration. Nice to see a mix of industry people and regular ol’ cocktail enthusiasts. Grab media pass & kit, swag bag. Between kit, freebies, umbrella, courier bag, camera, and coat - look like an alcoholic sherpa.

2:22pm - Alcoholic sherpa downs first drink of the day (FDOTD?), a spicy “Yellow” (chartreuse, tequila, cayenne pepper) courtesy Don Julio tequila who have a mixing bar set up. Yowzers, this drink’ll put hair…uh, never mind where it’ll put hair. Grand Marnier also have cocktail bar set up, but not a fan, so pass on that.

2:31pm - Head up to the Root & Snap courtesy suite. Try a straight up Snap - a gingery, slightly spicy spirit not unlike really nice European bitters. Next up - a straight up Root - slightly root beer-ish spirit but not as sickly sweet. Next - a mixed-on-the-spot Root Flip, followed by tasty Snap Punch. These soon-to-be-introduced spirits will do well here in hands of talented bar tenders. Also, you know - yum.

2:55pm - Jesus, got a buzz going already. Engage in hazy chat.

3:30pm - Forgo invite to unofficial TOTC event at Aquarium. Rather not end up face down in interactive tidal pool display. Home to re-group and eat. If this is just the beginning, a well-lined stomach will be required.

7:50pm - Clear-headed & recharged, we head into the Gibson’s Canadian Whisky’s “True North” soiree at that bastion of old boys’ networking glory, the Terminal City Club. Basically an orgy of Gibson’s-based cocktails. Some good (Gibson’s Mule - sharp and “limey”, Gibson’s Beauty - contains more fruit than we’ve eaten in a week), and some not so good (Atlantic Maiden - kinda sickly sweet and minty).

8:30(ish)pm - The place is packed. DJ spinning, all the various bar stations cranking out cocktails for thirsty punters at lightning pace. It’s also getting hot. Very hot. But it’s fun. Peeps gots they glad rags on, and it’s one big-ass cocktail party in full effect. Also - poutine station!

8:45pm - Despite being denied a Gibson’s on the rocks earlier (?), we knock back a shot of rye followed by a shot of pickle juice. Interesting. In a “don’t knock Durian fruit ‘til you’ve tried it” kind of way.

8:50pm - Thank God. Realize same bar dispensing shots of rye and pickle juice is also making whiskey sours (a Boozecan fave). And they pass the test. They’re good. Damn good. Also, no pickles.

9:05pm - Actually manage to focus eyeballs and notice little plaques with Canadian whisky history adorning the walls. Wow, boozey AND informative. Who’d a thunk it?

9:45pm - Bar stations staring to run low on supplies, tangible collective panic in the air. Desperados vying for last drops of rye. Crowd is thinning.

10:13pm - Yup, in true Van city style, they want the crowd out by the official event end time of 10:30pm. Whatever, was a good night for a Sunday.

Day 1 rating: 7 drinks out of 10. And that was only a Sunday. Jebus.

The Boozecan hits Tales of the Cocktail for some libation edumaction.

If you’ve ever been to a conference of any kind, you know they can range from so incredibly informative you think your brain might pop like a balloon, to so dull you feel like your skeleton will leap out of your body and beat what’s left of you to death. So more often than not, the best part of these gatherings is the booze. It’s either the only break your grey matter gets, or the only escape. Then there’s Tales of the Cocktail. A three day “conference” (for lack of a better term) that’s just all about booze. So, you know, for rubes like us, um…WIN!

Unless you’ve been hiding in that crawlspace under the stairs eating expired Cold War c-rations for the last 10 years, you’ll know that the whole cocktail culture has seen a massive resurgence, with a whole new breed of bartenders & drink enthusiasts obsessively giving their creations the same devotion, care, and attention-to-detail Michelin-rated chefs would give to their last meal.

So it stands to reason that in this day in age someone’s going to figure out a way of getting all these alco-geniuses together in one place to share recipes, techniques and probably more than a few bar horror stories. That’s where Tales of the Cocktail comes in. TOTC (as it’s affectionately known) is probably THE premier cocktail festival, in North America, if not the world.

TOTC started out in New Orleans, where it’s been going gangbusters for eight years now. But this year by some miracle, the Gods of Alcohol smiled upon us, the great planetary martini glasses aligned, and they decided to take the show on the road to none other than our humble little burg: Vancouver. Three days of speakers, seminars, demos, competitions–and before you think it’s getting haughty–a pub crawl. And yea, The Boozecan shall attendeth.

Stay tuned for a day-to-today recap (with writing getting progressively shittier as the days go on).

Squeeze on in to Elwoods and get your drink on.

Elwoods - 3145 W. Broadway - www.elwoods.ca

If The Fringe Café were to have a kid brother, Elwoods would probably be it. Conveniently tucked away right across the street, you get the feeling it wants to be The Fringe, it’s just lacking that worn-in, rough-around-the-edges look that give its neighbour that extra bit of character. Or, maybe they just clean it too well.

But that’s not to say Elwoods isn’t a great little place to imbibe. It’s a bit larger than its big brother neighbour, but still relatively small and cramped (read “cozy”—we just hate that word). But that’s what makes good pubs good, n’est pas? Sadly, a lot of places around town, for whatever reasons, never seem that “social” to us. You’re either confined to a booth you can’t escape from, or you’re seated in a room that’s twice the size of an aircraft hanger and half as inviting. But if you’re elbow-to-elbow with your fellow drinkers, you’re going to start talking one way or another—whether you like it or not. And isn’t that half the fun of boozing with your fellow humans? Fortunately, Elwoods is of the elbow-to-elbow school of thought.

As far as hitting the sauce, there isn’t tons on the fancy/innovative cocktails front. It’s more of a pints and pitchers kind of hangout. That said, you can’t knock Elwoods Friday $3.99 highballs. And if you ask nicely, Colin the Bartender might show off some of his fancy-ass cocktail makin’ acrobatics, what with the flipping and the spinning and the twirling of the shaker.  (Word to the wise—watching the flipping and the spinning while inebriated can swiftly facilitate a painful introduction of skull to tiled floor.)

You also can’t knock the $10 burger and beer special everyday. They’ve got a decent selection of brews on tap too:

• GI Honey Lager & Pale Ale
• OK Springs Hefeweizen & 1516 Lager
• Big Rock Traditional Ale & Grasshopper Ale
• Sleemans Original Draught
• Rock Creek Cider
• And for you hipsters out there - $3.99 pints of Pilly!

Nothing out of this world, but better than a row of taps drawing big brewery piss—well, save for the Pilly maybe. They also serve the mind-fucking Snakebite should thoughts of blacking out or a good ol’ fashioned lose-the-plot gong show seem attractive to you. But hey, no judgment.

So next time you’re in this neck of the woods or you’re dying for a post-movie beer (The Hollywood theatre’s within spitting distance), squeeze into Elwoods and belly up to the bar.