Dispatch from Deutschland.

One half of The Boozecan is currently on vacation in Berlin. So for your amusement and edification, I present a few observations with accompanying photos. As usual, when the Germans do something, they do it right. To wit:

• best retail incentive ever.
• best street name ever
• total commitment to a product

Here’s another observation, nay, conclusion - I should’ve brought a spare liver.

God, this drink tastes like piss…

Nothing like that ol’ hackneyed cliche to describe a crap drink. In this case, however, it’s literal. Yup, that’s right, presenting Gilpin Family Whisky - the world’s first whiskey that’s literally made from piss. Sorry, “urine”, to the more refined connoisseurs out there. Seriously. This is probably the most colossally stupid fucking idea we’ve seen yet in the “novelty booze” biz. It makes those 2000% alcohol beers and vodkas infused with barbershop floor sweepings (or whatever this month’s moronic trend is) look like the fucking cure for cancer by comparison.

So what kind of pee pee, you ask? Horse? Monkey? Badger? Don’t be ridiculous, those aren’t even close to the “quality” of bodily fluid required for the production of this gem. It’s HUMAN PISS! But not just any human piss, as if it wasn’t bad enough already, it’s - wait for it - “made from the sugar rich urine of elderly diabetics”. Mmmm, getting thirsty yet? You know what we’re thirsting for? The opportunity to beat the idiots who invented this with a two-by-four.

Who’d ‘a thunk the golden waste water of a thousand old folks’ homes could be so useful? These tools, that’s who! Or, perhaps, comedic geniuses. Because honestly, despite our ire, the whole thing reeks like a construction site outhouse of one giant-ass joke. But it probably just “Depends”. Waa waa waa waaaaaa.

(via Gizmodo)

NOTE: Two days ago we were able to link directly to the actual Gilpin Family Whisky website. In that time it has mysteriously disappeared. So yeah, hoax, or site crashed from too many hits, or both?

Justin Timberlake has his own Tequila - and no one cares.

Well, we guess that’s not entirely true or we wouldn’t be writing about it. Is it just us or does every fucking celebrity seem to have their own liquor these days? Who gave these assholes the idea that they are somehow qualified to be liquor experts? Talented in their particular forte - maybe - but let’s be honest - this is hooch that no one is ever going to buy or drink. Celebrities are usually known for their less than stellar exploits while drinking booze … not making it. Besides, do we really believe that JT is actually doing anything during the distillation process to make “his” recipe unique? Perhaps he stands on the bottling line and dips his (what we can only assume to be) freshly shorn scrotum in each and every bottle to give it a little “something special”?

Other celebrity booze no one buys:

Donald Trump - Trump Vodka

Danny DeVito - Limoncello

Marilyn Manson - Mansinthe (Absinthe)

Willie Nelson - Old Whiskey River Bourbon

Vince Neil - Tres Rios Tequila

Lil Jon - Little John Winery (YEAYAH!)

Dr. Dre - Aftermath Cognac & Sparkling Vodka

Dan Akroyd - Wine & Crystal Skull Vodka

Sammy Hagar - Cabo Wabo Tequila

Booze Facts Originating From Ireland:

• Though Ireland is better known for stout, 63% of the beer sold in the country is lager. Stout makes up 32% of the market, with ale the remaining 5%.
• The original Guinness Brewery in Dublin has a 9,000 year lease on its property, at a perpetual rate of 45 Irish pounds per year.
• On any given day 5.5 million pints of Guinness are consumed around the world.
• On St. Patrick’s Day, that number more than doubles to 13 million pints.
• Guinness Beer Brewery founded est.1759.
• James Joyce once called Guinness stout “the wine of Ireland.”
• One traditional Irish cure for a hangover was to be buried up to the neck in moist river sand.
• Even Saint Patrick liked a tipple. It was once popular in Ireland to pin sprigs of shamrocks on your coat on Saint Patrick’s Day in remembrance of his using shamrock leaves to illustrate the idea of the holy trinity. At the end of the day, one would “drown the shamrock” by putting a few shamrocks into a glass and covering them with whiskey.
• Baileys Irish Cream, which was launched in Ireland in the early seventies, is now the most popular liqueur in the world.
• Jameson Irish Whiskey was established in 1780 when John Jameson established the Bow Street Distillery in Dublin.
• By the early 1800s, the distillery was producing one million gallons (3,785,412 litres) of whiskey per year and had grown to be the largest in the world.
• With annual sales of over 31 million bottles, Jameson is by far the best selling Irish whiskey in the world.

A joke at the expense of the Irish:

An Englishman, a Scott, and an Irishman walked into a pub.
Each ordered a pint of beer and a fly landed in each one’s beer.
The Englishman, turning up his nose, pushed his beer away and asked for another one.
The Scott picked the fly out, shrugged, and went about drinking his beer.
The Irishman pinched the fly between his fingers and yelled “SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!”

Erin Go Bragh!